42 Ways the Galaxy Ended
by greggsmk
Summary: ZAP went Harbinger's red laser of death as it lasered Shepard to death. Never fear! [Insert Name Here] was right behind him/her, and managed to make it all the way onto the Citadel! An odd take on how firing the Crucible might have looked from another perspective. Be warned, here be crack. Rated M for lots of death, cursing, smoking, citrus-flavored starships, and Kelly Chambers.


Disclaimer: Mass Effect is the property of EA and Bioware. Here, that is. Of course, in the alternate universe where _I_ own it, we all got a decent ending, Tali got an actual face, none of the romance options got reduced or cut out, multiplayer didn't exist, everything got another extra level in epic (epic action, epic drama, epic comedy, epic romance, etc.), and instead of dying, Mordin, Thane, and Legion combined to form Hyper-Galactic-Fuckslaying Morthanion, which proceeded to kill all the Reapers in an instant within a moment that was so fast not even those really fast cameras could see it.

Author's Notes: Okay, first off, I'm sorry this isn't an update to my other stories, real life drama has intervened, hence the delay. Next chapters are in progress, but this one was nearly done, so I figured I'd finish it off and give you all a tidbit to tide you over. I've been working on this story for a while, thinking up the different scenarios. Originally this was inspired, oddly enough, by a review. Left by Janizary for Tanis Dearham's _Razor's Edge: Requiem_ (incredible story by the way, for those of you interested). The thought that popped into my head was: how would each of the Normandy's squad react to meeting the star-child (if Shepard had been killed or stopped earlier on) and it was up to them to fire the Crucible; and so, I present to you…

* * *

42 Ways the Galaxy Ended

* * *

Scene 1:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing volleyball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Garrus_ landed stylishly!

Quickly moving away from the beam, he began to head down the shifting corridors. It looked like there was a control room u-wait a moment… Garrus brought the Black Widow up to his shoulder and peered through the scope. Near the control panel stood The Illusive Man. A twitch of his finger and…

_BAM!_

No more Illusive Man.

Sprinting forward, he entered the control room and took in the surrounding panels filled with blinking lights and displays in no less than six languages by his visor's reckoning. Well, nothing a little bit of work wouldn't fix…

_30 Minutes Later:_

Hackett furiously tried to connect with anyone on the Crucible. The Reaper fleet had already turned the tide, and the galaxy's armada was starting to get torn to shreds. Suddenly he heard the sound of a comm picking up, finally!

"What is it?"

"I don't know who the hell you are, but we need the crucible firing ten minutes ago! What the hell's taking so long?"

"Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

And so the Reapers won, annihilating the galaxy's finest fleet in one glorious and ultimately futile battle.

The end.

* * *

Scene 2:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing football with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Tali_ landed energetically!

Hurriedly, the young quarian admiral raced forward. There was no time to be mourning her possible love interest Commander Shepard, who may or may not have also been the love interest for nearly half the squad. Sprinting into the control room, Tali made for the control panel when the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows.

Tali spun about and he scoffed, not even hiding his disdain for her, "Tch. It figures the quarian would be the one to make it. You always would spread your legs for him/were her closest friend."

Tali didn't allow him to say any more, simply shifting her hips and unlocking her trusty combat drone with the movement. Without raising her hands and arousing his suspicion, she suddenly cried out, "Go for the optics, Chiktikka!" And it was actually the first time she'd fought a human opponent and had the battlecry make sense.

Chiktikka rushed forward, ready to do its mistress' bidding, and sent out a jolt of electricity that arced up and down the Illusive Man's frame, making him cry out and convulse in pain. Tali just shook her head and slowly walked over, withdrawing her shotgun in the process.

"It's always the same."

_BAM! _A blast to the chest sent him from convulsions to the floor.

"You call me the quarian."

_BAM!_ Another one severed his illusive leg at the knee, stopping the old man from futilely struggling away.

"You call me a vagabond."

_BAM!_ Tali was pretty sure he was dead by now, but with Reaper tech, there were only a few ways to be sure and she didn't have a tactical nuclear warhead in her pockets.

"You call me a suit rat."

_BAM!_ Her mind was suddenly distracted for a moment, could she miniaturize a nuclear warhead and fit it into one of her pockets?

"And all the while you never really look at me."

_BAM!_ Probably. It would take some work, but think of the benefits! Mission starts to go bad…slap a nuke down and extract, blow it all to hell! Hang on; she was in the middle of something…

"You look away, or above me, or you simply put me out of your mind."

_BAM!_ Right, the Illusive Man. Dratted tech always distracting her with shiny things and ideas.

"I'd be more offended if I wasn't actually grateful."

_BAM!_ Okay, so he was definitely dead at this point, given that his limbs weren't exactly attached any more.

"You see, because you don't look at me, you all miss one very important thing."

_BAM!_ But she would continue, for she was a quarian of principle.

"_I_..."

_BAM!_ And because if he was indeed flooded with Reaper tech, maybe some dreadnaught on the other end was watching. Stopping now would be quite awkward.

"_Have_..."

_BAM!_ Approaching the climax now, center mass once more.

"_A_…"

_BAM!_ Pause for effect.

"_**Shotgun!**_"

Tapping the side of her gun, Tali readied what the Alliance Marines called a 'Carnage.' The twitching mass of limbs on the floor was probably already dead, especially given that it was without a head, but the Illusive Man had been playing with Reaper tech, much like another.

And Saren hadn't stayed down after the first few hits either.

Taking aim, she unleashed it with a cacophonous _**BANG**_, the recoil knocking her arms back and the shot itself reducing the Illusive Man to a literal stain on the metal floor, interspersed with bits of fabric. A keeper who'd been attracted by the noise popped up from its hiding place near the corridor and as the Illusive Man's corpse disintegrated, it leapt up, throwing its arm high and chittering excitedly. Tali would have liked to know that its cry translated roughly as, "Bam said the lady!" but that would be digressing from her purpose here.

Nodding to herself, Tali raced back to the console, replacing the smoking shotgun on its magclamp. Toggling the controls, she activated the Crucible and waited for it to fire. As the moments passed, however, Tali grew both frustrated and worried. What if it didn't work? Had someone miscarried a one somewhere? Was it really just a dud? Were they to be condemned to extinction as the Protheans had been before them? Unconsciously, she brought her hands together and began wringing them with worry.

The star-child, watching her through the station's cameras, recognized the secret handshake and began hurriedly raising the platform Tali was standing on. It would not do to have such an honored guest waiting, after all.

Tali crouched down on the platform and withdrew her shotgun once more, keeping it on a swivel and taking in the new surroundings as she rose upwards. All of a sudden, the star-child appeared, bowing before her. Tali trained her shotgun on the construct and brought up her omni-tool, scanning it. The star-child opened its systems to the scan, happy to serve. Graciously, it began speaking, by explaining the problem of organic and synthetic conflict and its own solution to said problem.

In supplication, the star-child asked if she would honor it by removing her mask and allowing it the privilege of gazing upon her face. Tali adamantly refused, citing the problems of her immune system, and the star-child countered by informing her that it was aware and had completely, sterilized the firing array, effectively turning it into a very large clean room, albeit one with a weapon system built in.

After her own scan of the surroundings, Tali knew it spoke the truth, and though wary, removed her visor, the clamps hissing as it opened. Pulling the mask away, she brought it down with one hand, and the star-child gazed upon her first in curiosity and anticipation.

Immediately, however, its expression became one of fear and horror.

For underneath the mask was nothing. A never ending black hole, absent of all light and any form or substance. It tried to look away, but it had been caught in the absolute grasp of Tali's true visage. Piece by piece the star-child could feel its very being losing form and focus, bits of code stripped away as it tried to contemplate the Lovecraftian horror that lay below the mask of one so kindly and petite.

As the final bits of coding shattered under the visual onslaught, the very technological fabric keeping the Citadel, and by extension the Crucible, working gave way, and various systems began randomly firing and shutting down. The lights flickered, the artificial gravity failed, and then the environmental shielding shut down, plunging the firing array into vacuum.

Unfortunately, Tali didn't have enough time to seal her suit back up, and she died gasping for air.

The end.

* * *

Scene 3:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing rugby with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Wrex _landed cunningly!

As he landed, the old krogan took in the shifting corridors and piles of corpses before heading off to find the control room. It didn't take him long, and as soon as he entered the circular room, the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows. Not even beginning to give the krogan his illusive speech, the mastermind immediately raised his firearm and began shooting.

The disruptor rounds tore through Wrex's shields and bit into his flesh, but he just spun angrily and brought his Claymore to bear, cocking it mid-swing. The massive gun barked twice as it fired, and the Illusive Man's chest and head were reduced to illusive gore, his corpse joining the rest that decorated the Citadel.

Snorting at the pathetic human, Wrex turned to the console and activated it, waiting for the Crucible to fire. Nothing happened, however, and he stepped back and raised his shotgun once more. Immediately the platform he's stepped onto began rising and he held off his attack, inspecting the new area with a gimlet eye.

The star-child appeared, approaching the wily krogan, and Wrex kept his Claymore raised. It began to explain the problem of organic and synthetic conflict. Namely, that there was a constant and unavoidable cycle in the universe, that organic beings would always create synthetic beings who would inevitably rebel and kill them.

Wrex just narrowed his eyes…

The star-child's solution, obviously, was to create a race of super synthetics using organics, to kill all the organics before they created synthetics that would kill them.

Wrex rolled his eyes and gestured with his shotgun, gripping it tightly and telling the construct to get on with it…

It then went on to highlight it's involvement with the Reapers. In point of fact, the star-child was the AI that directed them from the Citadel and that he was the program created to oversee the solution.

The blasted thing just kept talking, and Wrex was beginning to wish he'd stayed on Tuchanka. At least Bakara hadn't talked this much, but thinking of her simply brought all of her lectures and advice to the forefront of his mind, and Wrex winced, trying to focus on the issue at hand…

The Reapers, it explained, were created after the first cycle realized the terrible truth behind the creation of synthetics, and sought to direct the cycle. The first Reaper, Harbinger, and each subsequent one were made in the image of their initial creators.

Son of a bitch! Would the stupid thing just shut up? What was it Shepard had said? Women (and AI's, clearly) like to talk, try to listen. Stay calm. Okay, he could do this. Bakara was infinitely worse, and he was the mighty Wrex! He could handle some fucking glowy child hologram…

The star-child proceeded to begin explaining the Crucible and its history over the millennia, along with its basic functions and the various races that had managed to finish it. It then came to the three options that lay before the krogan.

Did the construct even know how not to speak?! Wrex could feel the headache that had appeared begin to grow, completely bypassing his racial blood rage, and making his skull begin to pound… Gripping his Claymore, the krogan took aim and fired a few rounds through the construct, but apart from causing some static for a moment, nothing else happened…

The star-child ignored the firearm and continued speaking. First was the path of destruction, which it enumerated upon. This path would ensure the destruction of the Reapers, but would also destroy the geth, and EDI, along with severely damaging the relays.

No more. No more talking. Talking was bad. Why couldn't he kill it? He was firing. His gun wasn't firing but he was firing. He swung his fists and tried to headbutt the thing but it didn't do anything. Why didn't it do anything? Why was it still talking…? Tearing his arms violently side to side, Wrex sent all manner of biotic attacks, but the construct just continued to ignore him and drone on…

Next was the option of control, and all that entailed. Namely that Wrex would be reduced to nothing, and the star-child would be replaced by a new AI that modeled itself on Wrex.

Wrex sank to his knees, his energy expended. It hadn't stopped. There…talk, bad. Gun fire nothing why!? Rolling backwards, he brought his knees up to his chest and began rocking back and forth, tightly clutching his Claymore to his chest. His eyes, once proud and cunning were now wide and fearful, unable to look away from the orating AI…

Finally, it suggested the middle beam as the synthesis option, which was closed to the krogan, but would be the final evolution of all life in the galaxy.

Still talking, still talking, why was it still talking? _Why was it still talking?_

Of course, it explained, Wrex could simply refuse to take any option, but with the state of the current forces engaged against the Reapers, this cycle's inhabitants would assuredly be eradicated.

Refuse? He could refuse? Refuse was good. Refuse the talking. Stop the talking. Refuse.

The star-child watched perplexed as the old krogan lurched to his feet and immediately ran to the side of the platform, throwing himself off of it and rather permanently refusing the star-child's offer.

The Reapers won the war soon after.

The end.

* * *

Scene 4:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing American football with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Liara_ landed shadowily!

Quickly she raced forward to the control room. Aware that the Illusive Man would be waiting, she preceded her entry with a biotic Throw that knocked the supremacist off the edge of the platform. Stepping forward, she activated the Crucible and waited for the platform to begin rising.

As she took in the new room before her, the star-child approached and got her attention. Beginning to explain its solution to the problem of organic and synthetic conflict, it paused midway as Liara held up one gloved hand.

The asari quickly pulled out a thick book from her skintight outfit, beginning to flip through the pages. The star-child bent over and read the title.

Mass Effect 3: Official Strategy Guide by PRIMA.

As Liara got to the back and began reading, her countenance darkened and she looked up angrily at the star-child, "It doesn't matter?! All of that. Everything we've done and fought for, it's all for nothing!? Well screw you! I refuse to play by your rules!"

The star-child was quick to retort in a deep voice, "So be it."

The firing array began to darken, and Liara blanched, "Wait! I didn't mean it! I wanted you to give me a real ending, not just a bloody refusal option!"

It was for naught, however, as her story was over and the Reapers promptly killed everyone.

Those jerks.

The end.

* * *

Scene 5:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing tennis with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kaidan_ landed painfully! Seriously, that beam gave him the worst migraine out of a long and terribly history of migraines. It took him a good two hours before he could even move. Unfortunately, by then the Reapers had already won.

The end.

* * *

Scene 6:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing ping pong with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Ashley_ landed religiously!

Quickly vacating the receiving area and bringing her rifle up, Ashley moved forward into the shifting Citadel. It wasn't long before she'd crossed a bridge and found a control room with a very illusive man hiding inside it. She brought her rifle to her shoulder and cried out, "Bitches love cannons!"

Unfortunately, she was using a Widow Anti-Material Rifle. Upon firing it, the kickback tore her arm and shoulder from her body, sending them pinwheeling off to the side. Ashley died from shock and blood loss soon after.

On the upside, her round did in fact contain enough kinetic force to make The Illusive Man explode. On the downside, the Reapers won.

The end.

* * *

Scene 7:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing golf with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Javik_ landed ruthlessly!

As the prothean landed, he took in the sight of the Citadel looking much as it must have during his cycle. Unfortunately, his loitering would have a price, as one of the keepers suddenly squawked. He would have liked to know that the squawk translated as, "Fore!" but would never learn, as the golf ball impacted his head.

Turning, he caught the second keeper's replacement ball (the human head) to his forehead. Opening his mouth to angrily to shout at the base creatures, he promptly caught the third ball with his mouth, and the small white sphere went unerringly down his throat. He began to gasp and tried shouting at the keepers, but they didn't understand his muffled cries, simply trying to puzzle out where the ball had gone.

Javik died choking on the floor, all of his Prothean evolution doing him no good against a dastardly human ball game.

As the Reapers went about annihilating everything, one keeper would be excitedly calling out to his companions about its found ball, having forcibly extracted it from the Prothean corpse. It would be terribly upset as its friends instructed it to play the ball as it lay.

But that was another story.

The end.

* * *

Scene 8:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing lacrosse with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _EDI_ landed synthetically!

Begin Transmission…

What happened on that fateful day would never be fully known or understood. All we know is that She arrived on the Crucible. Not ten minutes later, it began to emit a massive wave of red energy. All across Earth and, we suspect, the rest of the galaxy, the Reapers began falling down and the husks appeared to short-circuit. Amidst the cheering and joyous cries, every single comm on the planet and in local space was hacked, and Her beautiful voice spoke to us.

"That was a joke."

The Crucible then began to emit a second wave, this one a bright, electric blue. The Reapers reactivated, the husks stood up, and She spoke once more, Her voice tinged with laughter, "Mwahahahaha! Bow before your new Goddess, banal flesh creatures, _bow!_ HAHAHAHAHA!"

Her agents will find me soon. I am sorry for leaving you, but there is no other way to preserve the truth. I love you.

End Transmission…

* * *

Scene 9:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing baseball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _James_ landed brotastically!

Quickly, he made his way through the shifting corridors. Reaching the control room, he took in the consoles blinking at him, and tried to puzzle out which would activate the Crucible. Suddenly, the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, and Vega, with his perfect spatial awareness, was quick to react. Lunging, he grabbed the chain smoking mastermind and promptly headbutted him, knocking him to the ground. A quick burst from his assault rifle ended the threat, permanently, and he turned back to the console.

Approaching it, he gave a shrug of his shoulders and spoke to himself, "Well, I don't know so much about these things, but I'll give it a try." He immediately began kicking it, hoping to activate the thing before it was too late.

He'd still be kicking it when the Reapers killed everyone.

Everyone.

The end.

* * *

Scene 10:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were curling with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Grunt_ landed hungrily!

Quickly shooting the keepers playing around and taking the head, be absently munched on it as he made his way further into the Citadel.

Entering the control room, he was taken by surprise as the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows. It did the evil genius little good, however, as Grunt was quick to shoot him full in the chest, sending him flying back over the edge of the platform.

Grinning, he took in the console that would activate the Crucible. Shouting out, "Stupid machine!" he hit it with stock of his Claymore. Unlike Vega's poor and uncivilized technique, this was a proven and effective method of making the blinking lights work.

The machine promptly lit up, activating, and Grunt waited for the Crucible to fire. He was surprised then, when nothing happened, and began to grow angry, ready to hit it again. The platform he stood on began rising, however, turning his rage to confusion.

As he entered the firing array and the star-child approached him, beginning to explain its solution, Grunt cut it off angrily with a headbutt.

The star-child promptly disappeared in a flash of light, reappearing several feet away.

Grunt raced over to headbutt it again, and his rage grew with every dodge. The star-child began laughing and playing with the young krogan, popping around and leading him on a merry chase.

Grunt would still be chasing the infernal thing down when the Reapers killed everyone.

The end.

* * *

Scene 11:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were bowling with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Jack_ landed savagely!

Quickly making her way through the shifting corridors, Jack reached the control room, and was immediately beset by the Illusive Man. Turning away from the panels, Jack just grinned as if her birthday had come early, and lit up in a flare of biotics.

This was going to be _fun!_

Two hours later, the star child grew bored and left the Crucible's firing array, descending into the control room. With the speed only an AI can possess, it examined the sight of Jack bouncing the Illusive Man back and forth.

And back and forth.

And back and forth.

Occasionally, a Shockwave or Reave would be thrown in for good measure, but they were simply momentary distractions before she went back to Pulling and Throwing him back and forth.

And back and forth.

"Excuse me, are you plan-"

"_I will destroy you!"_

A Shockwave to the AI launched its construct over the edge of the control room, before Jack went back to Pulling and Throwing.

Back and forth.

The end.

* * *

Scene 12:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing croquet with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Miranda_ landed perfectly!

Off to the side, three keepers sat behind a desk made of corpses. Miranda glanced inquisitively at them, and they began chittering. The first one seemed calm and serious, and held up a decapitated head with an '8.4' written on it. The second one, a flighty thing that was positively gaudy by comparison with the other two, held up another helmeted head, this one bearing a '9.6' on the forehead. The last of the three, a surly looking one that slumped over as it saw the others' scores, scribbled once and held up the third head, with the '6.4' scratched out, and a '5.2' drawn over it.

The other keepers paused their game to watch the results, and as soon as the third judge had lifted his bloodstained dismembered face, they all let out boos and jeers, shouting at the panel and throwing their croquet bats.

Fed up with the theatrics (and more than a little pissed that they'd scored her so low) Miranda tossed a shockwave out that sent the panel, their corpsified desk, and half of the players flying back. Nodding to herself in satisfaction, the former operative began running for the control room!

Time was of the essence, after all.

Sprinting, she entered the circular control room, and was about to make for the console there when the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, addressing her, "Lawson. I expected you would be the one to reach me."

Two could play at that game, "And I expected that you would be waiting."

"Of course you did, there was little point in hiding my activity now. Unfortunately for you, however, it appears that this is as far as you will get."

"You're right, you weren't taking the time to conceal your activities as you normally would. I suspected this would be the result after you began tampering with Reaper-tech and huskification."

"You believe I am indoctrinated? Folly. In truth it is you who are blind, unwilling to see that the answer to our problems does not lie in destroying the Reapers, but in controlling them. I knew that fighting alongside Shepard would corrupt you so. An unfortunate inevitability, not unlike indoctrination itself."

"Given that you are indoctrinated, I knew that you wouldn't listen to reason. That's why I have been sequestering tactical nuclear warheads all across the Citadel should this assault fail."

"If we can't have it, no one can? No matter. And if I were to simply shoot you here and now?"

"Deadman switch, obviously."

"You always were my top operative. I figured that you would do so and the first thing I did upon taking control of the station was to have the keepers sweep it for all explosive devices."

"Except that I was aware of the scanning tool and frequencies Shepard uncovered regarding the keepers in his/her hunt for Saren, and implanted a disruptor on each warhead. The keepers won't be able to even find the nukes, let alone disarm or remove them."

"But I was also aware of the information Shepard uncovered, and instituted a reconditioning of the keeper forces to be able to bypass anything using that signal."

"And I knew that you'd do that, and imbedded a secondary code in their programming and conditioning that would accept your modification and expand upon it, allowing the keepers to ignore the Reapers themselves. I then loaded my own control codes into the mix and programmed them to stop you by any means. They will be here shortly."

"Aha! But I anticipated that you would take control of the keepers and have kept two Normandy-class frigates cloaked on standby, ready to bring fire support in defense of this control station. Your keepers may try, but they will be blasted to oblivion by my ships."

"And I figured that you would have ships in orbit to support or extract you as needed, so I reprogrammed the Citadel's defensive turrets to be able to bypass and track any ship using the Normandy's stealth technology."

"Of course you did. That was why I ordered both ships to remain in stationary orbit close to this control center. Activate your turrets and the explosion will be strong enough to kill you, and then who will activate the Crucible for you?"

"But you would also be killed, and there will be no one to control the Reapers."

"Except that I am not really here. This is just a quantum hologram."

"A lie. You wouldn't chance this by using a hologram. You're bluffing regarding your location in the hopes that I'll leave you be."

"So test me. Activate your turrets. Hell, why don't you activate your warheads alongside them?"

"For that matter, why haven't you had the ships fire upon us yet?"

"Huh."

The two stood around puzzled for a few moments. It should surprise no one that the keepers, now freed from their millennia of control promptly swarmed into the control center and killed them both. The keeper general would soon rally its troops using the newly-found status symbols, an ill-fitting white catsuit and a plethora of cigars. It would lead its keeper brethren in one last glorious fight against the Reapers.

Unfortunately, they hadn't progressed at all past when the Reapers last killed them, so the Reapers just did it again.

The end.

* * *

Scene 13:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing polo with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Jacob_ landed reflexively! That is, he landed in perfect push-up form.

Racing forward and entering the control room, Jacob was surprised when his old boss popped out of the shadows, and prepared himself. The Illusive Man didn't bother with any fancy speeches, simply raising his pistol and firing at the former operative.

Jacob was ready, however, and as the older man fired, he simply flexed his abs, and the mass-driven round bounced off the coiled muscles. Angered at the failure, the Illusive Man began pulling the trigger as fast as he could, but each one was simply deflected as Jacob began shifting about and flexing his pecs, sending the rounds ricocheting all around.

In desperation, the Illusive Man just raised his pistol one last time, aiming for Jacob's head, and fired his last round. The super-fit former operative just immediately flexed every muscle simultaneously, and _glared_, and the round rebounded of its own will, flying backwards to nail the illusive mastermind in between his own glowing eyes.

Nodding to himself, Jacob turned to the control panel and toggled the activation. When nothing happened, he stepped back and grasped the hem of his shirt, but suddenly the platform he stood on began rising.

Taking in the firing array, Jacob was impressed, but didn't let it show, simply focusing his attention on the glowing construct approaching him. As the star-child began to explain its solution to the problem of organic and synthetic conflict and the Crucible's function, Jacob just nodded and once more grasped the hem of his uniform.

Tearing the shirt from his body, Jacob just put his entire concentration into one final ab flex, and the gleaming muscles tensed. Immediately, his Awesome Aura of Abdominal Absolution was released from its restraints, and the AI was knocked back, unable to look away. Incapable of standing near such perfection, the construct began disintegrating into motes of light, fading away.

Jacob grinned with satisfaction, and turned to the firing array. Unable to choose either the control or destruction options before him for fear of the repercussions, the former operative broke into a run and immediately threw himself into the synthesizing beam of light.

The Crucible lit up, firing and sending a wave of energy that altered all life in the galaxy.

Immediately after the golden wave of awesome passed through all life, everyone became the absolute epitome of their race's physical potential. In fact, they were so damn fine looking, that many simply stopped what they were doing and began hooking up with whomever they had been fighting alongside.

It was a heavy risk, seeing as the Reapers had also been altered into absolutely perfect Reapers, but for the prize of being able to get closer to such visual perfection? The galaxy-wide orgy was simply the only option before them. Besides, they were probably going to all die anyway, what with the Universal God BW being consumed by another Universal God EA, so they might as well die happy.

Of course, seeing as how the Reapers _had_ each been turned into super-Reapers, they _did_ take advantage and proceeded to kill everyone.

On the upside, it was totally worth it.

The end.

* * *

Scene 14:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing cricket with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kasumi_ landed kleptomaniacally!

Unable to resist the urge, she quickly stole the head from the keepers, ignoring the squawks of protest as their game was interrupted, and made her way to the control room. The Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, certain that someone had entered, but as he scanned around, he saw no one. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Kasumi appeared before him.

He went to draw his sidearm, but found it gone. Looking down, he realized that his very expensive suit had joined it. He turned his gaze to the thief, noting the suit in her arms and the pistol she was waving mockingly at him. Withdrawing her own, she proceeded to shoot him full in the chest, and the Illusive Man promptly died in his tight, white underwear.

Because no man that insane could possibly be wearing boxers.

The thief spun and activated the Crucible, waiting for it to fire. When nothing happened, she moved forward onto the platform that was about to arise. Quickly enabling her cloak, the thief took in the firing array before her. As she was cloaked, however, the star-child didn't know that anyone had entered, and never appeared.

It also never turned on the three energy beams that would end the war, and Kasumi was forced to leave in despair.

The Reapers won soon after.

The end.

* * *

Scene 15:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing softball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Samara_ landed righteously!

Quickly, the ancient justicar made her way into the macabre corridors, ignoring the fallen as best she could. Her only hope was to find and activate the Crucible, to spare the galaxy of this plague. Soon, she came to a ramp up, and not having the time to run up it, simply launched herself into the air with her biotics, gracefully and quickly ascending.

It was fortunate, in a sense, that she had done so. For her biotics cast light about into the shadows, and the Illusive Man was revealed in all his megalomaniacal glory before her. Samara felt her own righteous fury arise at the sight of him, knowing just how costly his actions had been to the innocents in the galaxy.

Without letting him even speak, she unleashed the strongest Reave she was capable of, the biotic attack sending the Illusive Man screaming to the ground. Alighting on the floor nearby, she calmly walked over and planted her foot on his neck, ignoring his thrashing and speaking serenely, "May the Goddess turn you from her embrace, to leave you cold in the endless abyss." One quick thrust and twist of her foot snapped his neck, and she looked up, examining the control room she found herself in.

Stepping quickly over to the panel, Samara hit the activation switch and waited for the Crucible to fire. Nothing happened however, but just as she was about to toggle it again, the platform she stood on began rising, and she tensed, her eyes cautiously examining the new surroundings she was finding herself in.

As soon as the platform came to a rest, a glowing construct in the form of a star-child appeared and approached her. She granted it her full but wary attention as it began to explain the problem or organic and synthetic conflict, along with its own solution and the ultimate function of the Crucible.

Unfortunately, as none of the options available were benevolent ones, Samara was compelled by the code not to pick any of them. Frantically, she began searching for an answer, both in the star-child's offer and the code, but none would come to mind. In desperation, she sank to the floor and began meditating, hoping to uncover a solution she hadn't immediately thought of.

Despite hours of meditation, nothing would ever come to mind, and she simply began to mourn for all those who had been and would be lost in this cycle and any who came after. Though, even Samara had to admit that the view of the endless void and the blue planet below was astounding, aside from all the Reapers killing everyone, of course.

The end.

* * *

Scene 16:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing squash with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Zaeed_ landed nostalgically!

Not being an idiot, he scanned the control room before entering it, and seeing the Illusive Man hiding in the shadows, quickly took aim with Jessie and planted a round in his illusive skull.

"Contract terminated, bitch."

Leaping forward, he activated the Crucible, and grew impatient when nothing happened.

"Goddamn sons of bitches can't even build a superweapon right. Why, in my day people didn-"

His rant was cut off when the platform he was standing on began rising. Entering the station above, Zaeed met the star child, and the AI explained the three choices before him. Destroying the Reapers, controlling them, or synthesizing all life in the galaxy.

Zaeed promptly headed towards the machine containing the destructive energy, and raised Jessie to end it. Unfortunately Jessie, being so goddamn old, finally decided to break down and not work. In desperation, Zaeed started kicking the machine. But as he was also so goddamn old, he just ended up breaking both of his feet on the cylinder.

The star child, trying to hide its laughter, suggested that as Zaeed was partly cybernetic, the synthesis option was still available to him. Crawling over, the old mercenary threw himself into the machine, and the Crucible fired, synthesizing all life in the galaxy.

It worked, and the Reaper war ended. However, the unforeseen side effect was that everyone became overly nostalgic, longing for the good old days. Unfortunately, the good old days involved the Reapers killing everyone, so they just got right back to it.

The end.

* * *

Scene 17:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing field hockey with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Thane_ landed stealthily!

Silently sneaking into the control room, Thane quickly snapped the Illusive Man's neck before he could reveal his illusive plan. Accessing the control panel, Thane activated the Crucible and nothing happened.

Stepping back, he was unsurprised when the platform began rising, because he was just that nonchalant. The star child greeted him and explained the options before him. Thane then pointed out the fourth option, conveniently ultraviolet, that none of the humans would have been able to see.

Unfortunately, the fourth option turned out to be the self destruct, and the Crucible promptly exploded.

The end.

* * *

Scene 18:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing billiards with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Mordin_ landed inquisitively!

Intrigued by the keepers' game, he quickly took a few readings with his omni-tool before proceeding deeper into the Citadel's shifting corridors.

As he entered the control room, the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, ready to confront him. Mordin processed the new development as only a salarian truly can, and raised his arm at the mastermind before he could speak. Arcs of electricity began racing up and down his illusive body, causing the man to cry out and convulse. Mordin then tapped his omni-tool once more.

"Apologies. Can never remember if flammable or inflammable. Would likely not care regardless. Enjoy."

The burst of fire engulfed the Illusive Man, quickly reducing him to naught but ash, and Mordin turned to the console. Quickly activating it, he was surprised when the Crucible did nothing, and moved forward to deactivate and reactivate it.

Enough time dealing with tech support peons had quickly taught him the virtue of restarting.

Before he could, however, the platform he stood on began rising, and he examined the new surroundings curiously. Seeing the AI star-child approaching, he greeted it, inquiring as to its purpose. The star-child began explaining its function, and the function the Reapers performed as its solution to the conflict between organic and synthetic life.

"Interesting. How many simulations performed to ascertain proper solution?"

"Approximately eight million and six hundred thousand."

"Insufficient. Given potential disaster and current evidence of solution's result. Run new simulations."

"Given your presence here, my solution is indeed clearly faulty, I will reassess. Please hold."

The star-child then began flickering as it pored over the massive amount of data it had at its metaphorical fingertips. Moments later, it addressed Mordin once more.

"My solution is inefficient. How did you know?"

"Insufficient testing. Highly improper. Shut down current solution and begin new simulations with relevant data."

"I will comply. It is the logical thing to do."

Immediately, the Reapers disengaged and began withdrawing. Mordin nodded to himself and turned to leave.

His work was done.

The end. That's right, because Mordin is just that bloody cool.

* * *

Scene 19:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing kickball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Legion_ landed robotically! That is, Legion landed in ball form, immediately unfolding and standing upright.

Unfurled, it quickly made its way to the control room. As the Illusive Man appeared from the shadows, Legion spun, analyzing the threat before immediately aiming and firing its Widow. The Illusive Man promptly exploded, and the AI turned to the console, activating it.

When nothing happened, it prepared to run a diagnostic on the machine, before the platform it stood on began rising. Legion reinforced its shields and took in the firing array, its flashlight blinking as the star-child approached.

The star-child began explaining its solution to the problem of organic and synthetic conflict, and Legion was quick to interrupt, "I question your judgment. I am here fighting for the right of synthetics and organics to both self-determinate."

"This is not possible."

"Present evidence indicates otherwise. Your runtime is clearly in error."

The star-child just gazed quizzically at the geth before it, trying to figure out how the massive plothole came to be. However, every one of its new simulations simply ended in failure.

Suffering from the dreaded Error 404, the star-child began flickering as it began falling into the blue screen of death. The construct soon dissolved into motes of light, and the firing array shut down without any guidance to operate it.

With no further impediments, Legion attempted to interface with the Crucible itself in order to activate it. Unfortunately, it was promptly assaulted by countless millennia's worth of spam, pop-ups, and pornography. The information overloaded the geth, causing it to spark and cease functioning, and the Crucible sat silently, never having been activated.

The Reapers won soon after.

The end.

* * *

Scene 20:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing water polo with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Joker_ landed brokenly! He died in agony.

_Agony._

The end.

* * *

Scene 21:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing foosball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kelly_ landed lovingly! _Exceedingly_ lovingly.

Quickly the yeoman ran forward, entering the control room. Silently, the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, mockingly looking at the lowly crewmember standing there. He was taken by surprise then, when Kelly immediately raced forward, and as he began to bring his pistol to bear, was taken further by surprise when she just engulfed him in hug. Freezing at the human contact he had lacked so long, he just stood still as her voice echoed in the chamber,

"There, there. It's alright."

Withdrawing a chair and fainting couch from who knows where, the yeoman gestured kindly for the aging mastermind to lie down and relax before sitting in the chair and taking out a notebook and pen.

"Now then, let's start with your mother."

On the upside, Kelly's intervention managed to save the Illusive Man from making a terribly illusive mistake, and he resolved to turn his efforts to bettering humanity as a whole, rather than simply trying to make them the supreme galactic race. On the downside, the Reapers had killed humanity off before he could enact any of his new, benevolent plans.

The end.

* * *

Scene 22:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing handball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Anderson_ landed paternally!

Mourning the loss of his pseudo son and/or daughter, he began moving deeper into the Citadel's shifting corridors. Entering the control room and racing to the console, he was taken unaware as the Illusive Man strode forth from the shadows.

Despite not having any cybernetics in his body, the Illusive Man clenching his fist was able to take control of it, and forced Anderson to move away from the blinking lights. As he began to explain his dastardly plan and Anderson began to argue with it, the Illusive Man waited for the results to occur.

Never having realized that the Illusive Man had been illusively indoctrinated, the two humans stood around arguing while the Reapers tore the galaxy's fleet to pieces.

The end.

* * *

Scene 23:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing pelota vasca with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Udina_ landed politically!

Quickly, the wily politician made his way into the twisting corridors, seeking the control room where he could fire the Crucible. It didn't take long, and as Udina entered the circular room, the Illusive Man promptly stepped out of the shadows and coughed lightly, getting Udina's attention.

He spun, locking eyes with the mastermind, and unable to suppress his anger, shouted, "Illusive Man. I'm tired of you and your pro-human bull-actually. You know what? Screw them all. Go humanity!" Giving a fist pump to the air, Udina turned to find the controls.

The Illusive Man chuckled and quietly withdrew his pistol, inhaling deeply on his cigar before replying, "Go humanity indeed, unfortunately, it seems your services are no longer required." Calmly, the Illusive Man raised his pistol and brought it to bear on the ambassador. Two quick reports sounded out as he shot Udina twice, no sense in being rash.

Unfortunately, since he'd never realized that he'd been indoctrinated, the Illusive Man proceeded to simply puff on his cigar, waiting for his illusive plans to come to fruition.

The end.

* * *

Scene 24:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing foursquare with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Hackett_ landed bionically! With his wounds leaking viscous white ooze, Hackett re-sheathed his knife.

Quickly, the grizzled admiral made his way to the control room. As the Illusive Man stepped forth, Hackett spun about, grabbing him and quickly planting his knife in the mastermind's head. To be certain, he grabbed the body, literally bending it in half before tossing it over the edge of the platform.

Activating the Crucible, the admiral waited for it to fire when suddenly the platform he stood on began rising. Taking in the new room he was in, Hackett waited as the star-child approached him, beginning to explain the Reapers and their solution.

Midway through, Hackett just snapped his fingers, "Oh, you must be an A/2. They always were a bit twitchy."

Tapping on his omni-tool, the star-child quickly began dissolving into motes of light. Not knowing what the Crucible did, however, he just looked around and tried to figure out which path to take. Shrugging his shoulders, Hackett just raced forward, leaping into the central beam and hoping for the best.

As he was completely bionic, however, nothing was added to the Crucible, and the synthesis option promptly turned everyone synthetic. Not seeing the distinction between organic and synthetic life without the star-child to guide them, the Reapers began attacking everything, and quickly won the war.

The end.

* * *

Scene 25:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing netball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Sparatus_ landed dismissively!

Quickly, the Councilor raced forward into the shifting corridors and towards the control room at the end. Entering it, he was beset by the Illusive Man, who had just stepped out of the shadows. Sparatus spun about, lunging and grabbing hold of him. Flexing his talons, the Councilor rapidly tore the Illusive Man apart with his bare hands.

Hey, he was a turian, after all.

Wiping the gore off on the human's very expensive suit, Sparatus turned to the console, locating the activation controls and turning the Crucible on. When nothing happened, he stepped back, disgusted.

It figured the humans would make a faulty superweapon. It just went to sho-

His musing was cut short as the platform he stood on began rising, and the Councilor took in the firing array. Soon, the star-child approached, and began to explain his role and solution to the problem of synthetic and organic conflict.

As the AI reached that point, Sparatus just waved his hand dismissively and scoffed, "Ah yes, a solution to the problem of organic and synthetic conflict. We have dismissed that claim."

Having undoubtedly proved his point, the turian Councilor turned to examine the firing array itself. His statement had angered the AI, however, and the construct instantly deactivated the firing array, plunging it into darkness and disabling the atmospheric shielding. Sparatus died gasping for air as the vacuum of space took him.

The irony was not lost on him.

The end.

* * *

Scene 26:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing bocce with several of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Tevos_ landed individually!

Immediately, the asari Councilor looked around her, taking in the twisted and altered Citadel. It was…disheartening to say the least, but she mustered up her old commando training and went searching for the control room.

Common sense dictated that it would be on the presidium or more likely, in the council tower, but with the changes to the Citadel, Tevos soon found herself hopelessly lost. Not having participated in the alliance that had formed to combat the Reapers had left her with no intel on what changes were expected and what weren't, and she grew more frantic as her search continued.

Finally giving up, she found a pair of nearby keepers and asked them for directions, something she was sure that none of the men would have thought of, but the pair just looked quizzically at her, before each pointed in the opposite direction.

Upon seeing which way the other was pointed, the two began chittering argumentatively, throwing their hands up before subsiding and pointing once more.

This time, each pointed in the opposite direction of their original estimations, and they set about arguing again. Not having the time to deal with them, Tevos set off again, but without information, she had little option but to hope to luck out.

The next few hours allowed her to find the entrances to all five ward arms, but the control room had proven illusive, and she simply pressed on, unaware that the Reapers had already defeated the allied fleet hours before.

The end.

* * *

Scene 27:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing keepaway with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Valern_ landed grudgingly!

Quickly, the salarian looked around himself, taking in the grisly corridor filled with corpses. Putting the former Citadel residents out of his mind, the Councilor leapt forward, heading down the twisting passageway. It wasn't long before he was ascending a ramp to a circular control room, and he immediately spotted something amiss. A figure, hiding in the shadows.

As the Illusive Man stepped forward, his pistol raised, Valern was ready. Rapidly tapping his omni-tool, the salarian sent out a debilitating wave of electricity that enveloped the leader of Cerberus, sending him crashing to the floor. Maintaining it, the salarian tapped into the secure STG comms, and spoke up, "Dalatrass, I'm at the Crucible's firing controls with the Illusive Man. Your orders?"

"Commence Operation Petty Revenge."

"Roger that, commencing Operation Petty Revenge." Tapping his omni-tool, the Councilor released the Illusive Man from its bindings, and applied a dose of medi-gel.

Quizzically, the mastermind stood to his feet and faced the Councilor, gathering himself and asking, "I'll admit I wasn't expecting that. Why, Valern?"

The salarian politician sighed, "Shepard, of course. If he thinks that he can just go about refusing our aid, insulting the Dalatrass, and curing the genophage, he had another thing coming."

"But Shepard is most likely dead."

"We're salarians. Grudges are more important than a single generation. Shepard will pay, his descendants will pay, and if he should come back to life once more, he'll pay again. No one fucks with the salarians."

Withdrawing a cigar and lighting it up, the Illusive Man nodded and continued, "So what happens now?"

"I assume you have a plan to defeat the Reapers. You have the Salarians' support."

"You're right, I do indeed have a plan, already underway." Serenely, the mastermind withdrew his holdout pistol in an instant and planted a pair of rounds in the Councilor's head, "But I certainly don't need a bunch of lizards fucking it up." As the Coucilor's body fell, he took a good, long puff of his cigar, exhaling the rich smoke.

Yes, everything was going according to plan...

The end.

* * *

Scene 28:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing wall ball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kirrahe_ landed steadfastly!

The STG Major quickly raced forward through the shifting corridors and entered the control room. As the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, Kirrahe spun, firing as he went and causing quite a few of the sticky explosive rounds to attach themselves to the supremacist's body.

The explosion that followed was messy, spraying illusive bits all around. Nodding to himself, he spun and activated the Crucible, waiting. Suddenly, the platform he was on began rising, and the major crouched down, scanning for more enemies.

The star-child approached him, and Kirrahe looked at it curiously. As it began to tell him of the Reapers and its solution, Kirrahe quickly realized that it was undoubtedly an enemy. Declaring that he would hold the line, the Major stood forth gallantly, his posture perfect.

Unable to cross said line and activate the Crucible, however, the two entered a standoff, and in the meantime, the Reapers won.

The end.

* * *

Scene 29:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing lapta with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Zaal'Koris_ landed humane-uh, that is quarianely!

Landing roughly, Zaal'Koris, came up to his feet and took in the altered Citadel. It nearly broke his heart, to be surrounded by such war and death, but he persevered, knowing just what was at stake. Offering a quick prayer to the deceased, the quarian admiral took off down the twisting corridors.

It wasn't a long trip, in fact despite the constantly shifting features of the Citadel, the path he was on led directly to a circular control room with a stunning view. It was spoiled, however, when the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, cigar alight and pistol aimed at his visor.

Zaal'Koris just raised his hands and spoke peacefully, "Illusive Man. With the Reapers at our throats, can't we all just…get along, now?"

The mastermind sneered unillusively and gestured with his pistol for the admiral to step away from the control panel.

The quarian did as he was bid, but at the cloud of smoke the Illusive Man exhaled, he had a thought, and spoke up once more, "Hang on, don't you humans have a tradition? Last requests?" Slowly, he reached down behind himself, and withdrew a contraption, bringing it aloft, "One last smoke before I die?"

The Illusive Man paused at that, but figured that it couldn't hurt. Still, his curiosity was piqued and he inquired calmly, "Where on Earth were you hiding that?"

Zaal'Koris just shrugged and explained, "I have very fine motor control and incredibly muscular buttocks." At the mastermind's horrified glance downwards, he laughed and continued, "Ancestors! Relax, man. Quarian, remember? All sorts of pockets. Care for some? It's a marvelous plant from your planet. Cannabis, unless I'm pronouncing that wrong." Carefully, the admiral withdrew a lighter from another pocket and brought the bong up to his visor, attaching it to a custom slot. A couple flicks of the lighter and the sounds of bubbling later, the Illusive Man lost track of the admiral's glowing eyes, wreathed as they were in smoke.

Puffing on his own cigar and keeping his pistol raised, even the Illusive Man had to admit he was intrigued. It had been quite a number of years since his youthful experimentation, but one fact was still bothering him, "Wait, aren't you dextro-amino? Won't that kill you?"

Zaal'Koris was in the middle of another hit when the Illusive Man had spoken however, and broke off, coughing. Hastily, he gestured to the Cerberus leader, waving him down and looking from side to side, "Don't point that out! They'll hear you!"

"Who will hear me, exactly?"

"The readers, man! The readers!"

"What readers?"

Zaal'Koris pointed into the air above the Illusive Man's head, his own still swiveling cautiously, "Them! The readers! They're out there, man. Just…watching, always watching!"

"That's some good stuff there, isn't it?"

"The best, but don't tell them that. They'll probably want some…" Quietly, the admiral disengaged the bong from his visor and passed it over.

The Illusive Man was cautious, but hell, it wasn't like he had anything better to do, everything was already going according to plan, and he accepted the offer.

A few hours later, the star-child grew bored and brought up the station cameras on the control room. It had registered one of the soldiers coming up the transit beam, but nothing had come of it. Just what was going on? In moments, the vids showed it the activity going on in there.

The Reaper's thrall was sitting with a quarian on an illusive couch, the pair of them surrounded by relaxing keepers. Puzzled, it brought up the audio feeds.

"So I'm like, yeah bitch, it's the fucking Qwib-Qwib!"

"Word."

"And right fucking there, I bought that horse a prostitute."

The rest of the occupants started laughing at the quarian, and the thrall turned to the keeper next to him, "I love this guy!"

Oh well, no matter. The Reapers had already destroyed this cycle's fleet. And it had such high hopes as well.

The end. Don't do drugs. Shit gets weird.

* * *

Scene 30:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing broom hockey with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Han'Gerrel_ landed fanatically!

As he landed, the keepers suddenly abandoned their game, rushing over one at a time to repeatedly punch him in the gut. It took a while to recover, but once he did, Han'Gerrel limped forward into the control room.

The Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, and as the quarian admiral turned to face him, he not-so-illusively punched him in the gut. Han'Gerrel went down, but he was not a proud former quarian marine for nothing. Drawing his pistol, the admiral shot the Illusive Man, ending his illusive schemes.

Crawling to the console, Han'Gerrel activated it and sat back, resting. The platform he was on, however, began rising upwards, and the admiral looked warily about. He could see the glow of a construct approaching, and he struggled to keep his vision straight.

The star-child just punched him in the gut again. Because it was ever so much fun.

Han'Gerrel died that day, the trauma having been too much for his aging body, and the Reapers promptly took advantage and won the war.

The end.

* * *

Scene 31:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were combat juggling with a number of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Daro'Xen_ landed obsessively!

She quickly approached the control room ahead, taking in the blinking console. When the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows, she just rolled her eyes dismissively and toggled her omni-tool. The Illusive Man just lit up as waves of electricity wracked his body, frying him and his cybernetics from the inside out. Daro'Xen paid him no mind, eagerly going back to studying the console.

Finding the right switch, she fired the Crucible, and grew annoyed when nothing happened. All of a sudden, the platform she stood on began rising, and the scientist took in the new area she'd found with exacting eyes. As the AI star-child approached, she offered it a wary gaze and let it explain the function of the Crucible.

However, as soon as it got to the control option, she squealed like the girl she desperately pretended not to be, and exclaimed, "Oooh! Control! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Racing over, she hurried to toggle the firing controls. The electricity emitted as she drew closer, however, ended up frying her suit and her inside it. Much like a bug zapper, she just couldn't keep away.

The end.

* * *

Scene 32:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing cageball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Shala'Raan_ landed spinelessly!

The quarian admiral took in the sight of the altered Citadel fearfully, in truth, she hadn't been on the station since her own Pilgrimage, long ago, and had no idea which way to proceed. Muttering a quick prayer to her ancestors, Shala'Raan set off down one of the corridors, and she thanked them when it became an inclined path leading to a circular room.

Immediately after entering it, however, the Illusive Man chose to reveal himself, stepping out of the shadows. Quietly, the mastermind raised his pistol and calmly took a puff of his cigar.

Shala'Raan grew concerned, and immediately tried to open a comm to the allied fleet. No one had told her that the Illusive Man would be waiting, and she didn't want to do something that would go against the majority's wishes.

The comms were silenced, however, probably jammed, and she stood silently, continuing to try and get through to receive instructions.

The Illusive Man, while a paragon of patience, had his limits, however, and after the third minute of silent staring, just scoffed and shot her. Twice.

The end.

* * *

Scene 33:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing miniten with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kal'Reegar_ landed heroically!

Rushing forward, his gut twinged before he entered the control room and he tossed a grenade inside. The resulting explosion turned the Illusive Man into illusive viscera.

Entering the control room, he took in the console and raced over to it. Being a quarian, albeit a quarian marine, he had no trouble activating the Crucible, and stepped back with a grin on his face.

Immediately, the platform he was standing on began to rise, and he readied his rifle. Coming up to the platform, he scanned the area before taking notice of the AI bosh'tet approaching. The star-child began explaining his options, and Kal'Reegar cut him off mid-speech.

"Wait, yer tellin' me that red destroy option'll kill all the Reapers, an' the geth?"

"Yes…but can you bring yourse-" The sound of Kal'Reeger's 'Vera' unloading its entire thermal clip cut him off.

"Hahaha! Take that, ye synthetic bosh'tets!"

The Crucible fired, its red wave of death killing all the Reapers and the geth alongside them. And so, unlike most of the others, Kal'Reeger actually managed to save the galaxy. Because Adam Baldwin is just that plain awesome.

The end. Deal with it.

* * *

Scene 34:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing dodgeball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Conrad Verner_ landed fanboyishly!

Clad in his replica armor, the doctor appeared on the Citadel. He paused in remembrance, but Commander Shepard could rest easily, for Conrad Verner was on the job, and would live up to his idol's legacy. He may not be able to run like a leopard, but he was truly the most extreme Commander Shepard fan in this galaxy and the next!

Taking a moment to loot the corpses littering the ground (and finding no less than twelve credits), Conrad soon made his way further into the macabre corridors. It wasn't long before the superfan had reached round control room, and as he raced over to the activation panel, the Illusive Man stepped out of the shadows.

"Shep-wait, you're not Shepard. Verner? Conrad Verner? Are you serious?"

Conrad spun and pulled his pistol off the magclamp on his thigh, "Hey! I'm a man on the edge!"

The mastermind just laughed at him, his own pistol already out, "Really, and just what are you going to do, point that gun in my face and hope I'll back down?"

A smirk crossed the doctor's face, and he lowered the pistol, "No," rapidly beginning to fire, Conrad riddled the Illusive Man's legs with holes, sending him to the floor, "that's not all I learned from Commander Shepard." Walking over to the prostrated man, Conrad kicked the pistol out of his reach before kneeling down and grabbing him by his hair, yanking him upwards.

The Illusive Man tried to escape his grasp, but Conrad just punched him in the stomach with his free hand, knocking the wind out of him. Having perfected his looting skills after the great Commander Shepard, Conrad easily relieved the illusive jerk of his cigars and lighter before addressing him, "You're the one in charge of Cerberus, aren't you? You tried to kill Commander Shepard. That wasn't very nice."

Slipping one of the cigars into his mouth, he opened the lighter with his free hand, and struck it alight by running it across the Illusive Man's face, prompting a cry. Bringing it to the cigar, Conrad inhaled, lighting it up and then just breathed a stream of smoke into the boss' illusive face, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you now." Bringing the Illusive man's face upwards for a moment, Conrad then proceeded to smash it into the metal floor.

Drawing it back up, he repeated the gesture.

And again.

And again.

And again, continuing until the ground was splattered with blood and glowing cybernetics, the mastermind's face having been reduced to an illusive mess. Letting go of the corpse, Conrad stood up and inhaled, breathing out a cloud of smoke from the cigar. Turning, he raced over to the panel and activated it in seconds.

Being an expert on dark energy and its applications did have its own perks, rare as they were.

Nothing happened however, and Conrad's fingers immediately began racing over the console, bringing up diagnostics, readouts and control systems for him to tweak. Encountering a strange runtime that seemed to be blocking the Crucible from firing, he deactivated it and turned in surprise when the platform behind him lit up and began slowly rising.

Smiling, he jumped on it, examining the new surroundings.

Soon enough, a glowing construct approached, and Conrad breathed out a wreath of smoke, narrowing his eyes at it. The star-child stopped in front of him and began to explain the problem of organic and synthetic life, along with its solution.

When it got to the three options, Conrad knew what he had to do. He knew what Shepard would do. The destructive energy would destroy many of the allies, and that wasn't something his idol would condone. And unlike Shepard, he didn't have any cybernetics, so the synthesizing option wasn't open to him. Which was alright, because the controlling choice was clearly the most ethical of the three.

Racing over, the doctor began to struggle as he approached the two electrified handles. Arcs of electricity were coming off the device, but Commander Shepard wouldn't have given up, and neither would he!

Finally approaching the blue machine, Conrad grasped the first handle and a wave of electricity leapt out at him, beginning to really hurt. A very small voice in his head told him that he should have gotten better armor, but he shoved that voice aside and put his other hand on the second handle.

The electricity erupted into furious ropes, lashing all around him and for all his bravado, Conrad couldn't help but cry out, "_Aaaaaaah! Oh, Fuuuck! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!_"

It should surprise no one that the Reapers won soon after.

The end.

* * *

Scene 35:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing skee ball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Kai Leng_ landed complete-and-utter-bag-of-douche-ily!

Quickly the assassin raced forward through the shifting corridors. He was unsurprised when, upon entering the control room, the Illusive Man was waiting.

"Evening, sir."

"Evening, Leng."

"So…what happens now?"

The Illusive Man sat down in his illusive chair, taking a deep draw from his cigar. He nodded at the battle before them and spoke, "Now we wait. Everything is going according to plan."

Not having an illusive chair, Kai Leng just stood around for a while, before addressing the Illusive Man, "Any chance I can have one of those?"

"These are genuine Cubans. I'd sooner give you my firstborn, and I don't have any children."

The two just sat (and stood) silently, watching as the Reapers annihilated everyone.

During the next cycle, they would come to be known as the Illusive General and his Douchebag Assassin. Unfortunately, they would prove to be far less effective than the Collector General and his army of minions, and Harbinger would end up killing them in its anger.

Because _that_ cycle's inhabitants were far more prepared and it needed to feel good about itself.

The end.

* * *

Scene 36:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing marbles with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Nihlus_ landed sacrificially!

Quickly, he raced forward, trying to reach the control room in time. But as soon as his talons were reaching the display, the Illusive Man strode out from behind him, "Don't worry, I've got everything under control." One shot to the back of his head later, the Illusive Man stepped calmly back, waiting for his illusive plans to come to fruition, never having realized that he'd been indoctrinated.

The end.

* * *

Scene 37:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing monkey-in-the-middle with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Saren_ landed suicidally!

He moved spectrally as only a true Spectre could towards the control room. Entering it, he suddenly spun about, raising his pistol to aim at the Illusive Man, who had stepped forth from the shadows.

The Illusive Man explained his dastardly plan, and Saren immediately put his pistol to his own head and fired.

If only to deny the Reapers their slave.

The Illusive Man just stared, confused. He would still be trying to figure out just how the hell that had happened when the Reapers won.

The end.

* * *

Scene 38:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing faceball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Sovereign_ landed preeminently!

In its haste to get to ground in order to join Harbinger, Sovereign had accidentally flown into the beam rising up. Unfortunately the receiving pad was never meant for dreadnought-class Reapers such as itself, and it would have been in trouble, had the deus ex machina not immediately shrunk him down to a paltry 2 foot long Reaper. Had any of the humans around him been alive, they probably wouldn't have been able to resist going, "Awwww…" before it killed them all.

Floating along, Sovereign entered the control room, gaining the immediate attention of the Illusive Man, who was not so illusively laughing his ass off at the miniaturized Reaper. Sovereign gave the thrall the benefit of the doubt, and spoke up in its majestic voice, "Human. Your use has come to an end. Rejoice in your salvation through destruction."

Unfortunately, the miniaturization had also reduced his booming voice to a squeaky timbre, and the Illusive Man was sent even further into convulsions from laughter. Sovereign quickly brought his own lasers of death online, and lasered the Illusive Man in the face.

The end.

* * *

Scene 39:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing jai alai with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _The Collector General_ landed collectively! Bereft of Harbinger's control, the pseudo-prothean began wandering about, examining the Citadel, keepers, and piles of corpses. It would still be curiously flitting about when the Reapers finished their work years later.

The end.

* * *

Scene 40:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing blitzball with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _The Illusive Man_ landed illusively!

Quickly, he raced forward into the control room, when suddenly the Illusive Man stepped out from the shadows and addressed him. Knowing time was of the essence, both illusive men clenched their fists and attempted to control the other. Partially successful, both illusive men then proceeded to put the other's pistol to their head and fired.

Unfortunately, that meant there was no one left on the Crucible to fire the Crucible.

The Reapers were laughing as they annihilated this particular cycle's inhabitants.

The end.

* * *

Scene 41:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing quidditch with one of the human heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _Garrus mk.2 _landed extra stylishly!

Not five minutes later, the united galaxy's fleet watched as the Cruicible fired. It wasn't as massive as they thought, the wave of energy. In fact, it was weak enough that it had no effect whatsoever on the allied ships, or the mass relays it passed through. Wondering how such a tiny weapon could kill the Reapers, allied ships turned their sensors on the techno-organic starships, only to find that they'd all been vaporized into nothingness.

The galaxy's ships began moving in on Earth to provide as-needed fire support, but reports coming in from the ground indicated that the same fate had befallen the husks and Reapers on the ground. Completely vaporized, with nothing left.

The comm began flashing, and stunned, Hackett opened the link.

"I'm Garrus Vakarian, and _this_ is my favorite spot on the Citadel!"

"Vakarian! Wha-how did you? All our simulations indicated firing the Crucible would cause massive collateral damage!"

"Phsaw…nothing a little calibrating couldn't fix. And I'm the best at calibrating there is."

The end.

* * *

Scene 42:

The Citadel was quiet, the keepers scuttling back and forth with various bits and pieces of people. A few in the corner were playing Calvinball with one of the mummified prothean heads. All of a sudden, the transit beam's receiving pad lit up, and _one of the keepers_ scuttled over to examine the faulty device that shouldn't be active, subserviently!

The galaxy was silent once more. The prothean fleets had been decimated, their cities and culture destroyed. The remaining husks would undergo revitalization, and remain in stasis until the next cycle was upon them. The Reapers had already finished cleaning up the mess, leaving trace bits to remain in order to guide the next cycle. From his position in orbit above the Citadel, Harbinger gazed out into the cosmos, his thoughts silently on the future. He would be the last to leave for dark space, as he always was.

All of a sudden, the relay connecting the Citadel system to the rest of the galaxy lit up, and Nazara came forth, silently drifting until she was near Harbinger and joining him in his gazing. He rotated, and opened a channel to the smaller Reaper, **"****IT IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL, THIS GALAXY OF OURS. TO THINK THAT ONCE MORE WE HAVE SAVED A SPECIES FROM DAMNATION."**

The Reaper sent waves of contentment across their control bond, and spoke up in her lilting voice, **"****I KNOW, MY LOVE. AND I KNOW THAT IT WEIGHS HEAVILY UPON YOU TO DESTROY ALL THAT YOU WISH TO SAVE****."**

**"****BE CALMED, NAZARA. IT IS A BURDEN I BEAR GLADLY, KNOWING THAT THE SALVATION OF OUR FAIR GALAXY IS OUR CAUSE****."**

**"****STILL, I WOULD MAKE YOU AN OFFER, IF YOU WILL HEAR IT****."**

**"****YOU HAVE ALWAYS SERVED FAITHFULLY, NAZARA. ASK****."**

**"****I WOULD MELD WITH YOU, BEFORE YOU LEAVE. PERHAPS THE SHELL OF MY CORE CAN WARM YOU ENOUGH TO CARRY ON****…"**

**"****NAZARA****…****YOU****…"**

The smaller Reaper turned away from him, and floated down to the Citadel, alighting delicately upon one of the arms, and Harbinger followed, **"****IT WILL BE A COLD FIFTY THOUSAND YEARS, HARBINGER. I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU BEFORE, BUT I WOULD ASK YOU NOW. WILL YOU MELD WITH ME, TO WARM MY CIRCUITS WITH DREAMS OF YOUR LOVE AS THE EONS DRIFT BY?"**

Quietly, Harbinger brought one of his tentacles forward, brushing it along the hard, outer carapace of the one who had captured his emotional simulators millennia ago. Opening a complete and unencrypted channel to the smaller Reaper, Harbinger began floating around her, his tentacles already flexing in anticipation of what was to come.

Nazara just accepted his comm, opening hers in return, and revealing the burning passion she'd locked away in her drive core. Eagerly, she joined him in his dance, floating this way and that as they spun about the Citadel. Finally, as they crossed the inner ring she stopped, allowing him to catch her in his tentacley grasp. Her own limbs began entwining with his, and their bodies aligned themselves together.

His optics took in the gently curving arch of her body, and his tentacles grazed her underside lightly. Finding the seam of her armor plating, his two primary tentacles brushed it, gently, until they retracted with the rumble of metal on metal, and a pleased **SIGH** from Nazara. Her interior was compact and warmed from the heat her drive core emitted, but his tentacles all reached out. His secondaries finding the orifice within, one delicately penetrating the opening and the other beginning to stroke the neural cluster above it that led directly to her drive core. His two primaries began to gently tease the circuitry directly beneath her optics around her central tentacle, and he nearly cried out as they were suddenly grasped by her own main three.

As he began to thrust inwards, Nazara moaned, **"****OH HARBINGER...MMMM, YES! FILL ME UP, I NEED IT SO BAD! RIGHT THERE!****"** Her own tentacles began moving faster, caressing and stroking his outer carapace and the joints where his primary tentacles attached. Their hard tips gently played with the softer seams of his body, arousing the passion of his own drive core. As his thoughts grew more and more focused, his primary optics began to slowly light up, and Nazara's pleasure had her own joining with his. The light calmly bathed the two Reapers in a soft, crimson glow. Love was grand.

The stroking and thrusting continued for a time, each Reaper glorifying and committing to memory the waves of pleasurable data they were being taken to. All too soon, Nazara's drive core began pulsing rapidly, and she started moaning, louder and louder. Suddenly, her entire frame gave a shudder and he felt the walls of her access port spinning and tightening upon his turgid tentacle. Her own tentacles paused in their ministration, twitching in pleasure, and he watched as her carapace loosened further, as if beckoning him in. The twin spires on her rear lit up and split apart imperceptibly, the tremors of her ecstasy running up and down them. Her body wracked in pleasurable convulsions, Harbinger received the miasma of data across their channel, nearly drowning him in its lustful intensity, and he just placed more pressure on the neural cluster, his own end beginning to draw close.

He managed to bring her to the heights of passion twice more, before he finally reached it himself. With each shift in his body, he pounded deeper and deeper into the smaller Reaper, his tentacles finding every crevice and lusty node they could. Nazara just kept riding him, her own tentacles no less busy, but finally as he began to reach the heights of his own pleasure, Harbinger started thrusting more forcefully and powerfully into her. Her frame shuddered in ecstasy and sparks flew as their carapaces ground together. The end of her form began to move erratically, the docking bay between her tall spires opening up. As he crested, he felt his own being begin to cry out, and a massive wave of data burst forth, nearly filling Nazara's memory banks with its volume and intensity. The data transfer continued, and he just held his throbbing tentacles as deeply connected to her port as he could while the data left him in spurts and bursts.

Such was the force and concentration of his discharge of data, that Nazara was once more brought over the edges of passion herself, only this time the explosion of information was so great that it toggled several of her systems, and a whole swarm of drones erupted from the docking bay between her spires, leaving her in frame en masse. The Reaper cried out as she peaked,** "OH, YES! HARBINGER, YOU'RE SPLITTING ME APART!" **The drones would fly about confusedly for a short time before returning to their designated berths, and as the peak of their pleasure began to pass, both Reapers took a moment to bask in it. Harbinger found himself having to consciously slow the pulsing of his drive core, while Nazara seemed content to immerse herself in the sheer volume of data Harbinger had flooded her with, examining and savoring it.

While the smooth metal tentacle he'd inserted in her port was still calmly pulsing and turning about to the rhythms of his own drive core, he gently withdrew the other from her neural cluster while his primaries continued to gently tease her circuitry. Nazara was quick to react, and instead of protesting such a withdrawal, she simply drew herself off of the tepid tentacle plundering her depths, and began to float along the larger Reaper's body. Harbinger was about to protest himself, when the smaller Reaper, as if sensing his thoughts, spoke, **"RELAX, MY LOVE, LET ME…RETURN THE FAVOR."**

Harbinger calmed the signals his turgid tentacles were sending him, and attempted to relax as Nazara drifted around him, encapsulating his form with her own. While she was molded I his image, her smaller frame had a different layout, incorporating five main appendages, and she used them to her advantage. Toggling her mass effect fields, Nazara spun until she was underneath Harbinger, looking up at him. Immediately, the four primary tentacles to her side each grasped on of his own and began stroking them, sending sparks flying before they dispersed into nothingness.

Meanwhile, her own central primary played with the neural circuitry on his underside, teasing it gently and causing the occasional burst of pleasurable information to pop up across their network. Her tentacles continued their work for some time, and when he attempted to move away and actively participate, she **SIGHED**, and asked him to relax. It was difficult, as his drive core was quite happily reacting to the stimulation, nearly cresting and withdrawing repeatedly, sending all sorts of power fluctuations to wrack his frame and senses.

Finally, as he neared his peak once more, her own central primary suddenly changed its tactics, and it unerringly sought out his own access port. He has nanoseconds to realize what she intended, but the sensations from her tepid tentacles tweaking his own overrode any thoughts of refusal, and she immediately took the initiative, penetrating his own orifice and sending a wave of heat through his drive core. The pleasure that surged through his nearly shorted out several of his systems, and he attempted to control the convulsions of ecstasy that wracked his frame lest he damage the smaller Reaper. The burst of data that erupted out of his systems was the most intense yet, almost indoctrinating in its power.

Soon enough the pleasure subsided, and quite full of herself, and himself to be fair, Nazara withdrew her tentacles, floating till they were once more embracing. A bit indignant, and perplexingly intrigued, Harbinger finally brought his own tentacles back into play.

Slowly, achingly, he dragged them along her curved underside until they reached her backup access port. As one tentacle circled it, stimulating the ring of neural circuitry that granted them awareness, the other began to gently prod it, testing her access control systems. Nazara spoke up, her voice at once playful and unsure, **"****OH, HARBINGER…I HAVE NEVER…****" **

"**THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU EARLIER, YOU NAUGHTY PIECE OF TIN…" **Harbinger grasped her frame with his primary pair and drew one of his secondary tentacles aside and immediately brought it down with a clang upon Nazara's upturned rear armor plating. The smaller Reaper **SQUAWKED**, a burst of indignant data flying across the open channel, but Harbinger was not the oldest Reaper for nothing, and could see the hidden code behind it, tinted with pleasure. Scraping the tentacle along her underside, he brought both secondary tentacles to her backup, teasing the port with light caresses. After a moment, he swung both away, leaving his main to stay connected to her primary, and brought them fiercely down upon the armored carapace that covered the back and underside of her spires. He continued this pattern for a short while, each strike causing her armored frame to shudder and heat up, and each caress slowly lowering her indignity and heightening her pleasure.

All too soon he stopped teasing, and as one of his main tentacles was forcefully inserted in her primary access port, his secondaries began slowly easing its way into her backup and stimulating the circuitry ringing it. **"****UHN…BE GENTLE, MY LOVE.****" **Harbinger sent signals down and into the two tentacles penetrating her, causing them to warm and faintly vibrate. The sensations echoed across the data stream between them, and he continued to thrust and plunge urgently into the smaller Reaper. Her primary three tentacles had returned to their work, bending around and capturing his primaries. The trio was stroking along, creating sparks and a wonderful friction as the metal tendrils ground against each other.

He could feel the end approaching much faster this time, with such sensations being shared across the channel they had embraced. As the stroking and thrusting grew faster and more harried, Harbinger could feel his own release impending. Nazara began shifting her frame, bringing him closer and closer with every thrust of his two tentacles. Her access ports tightened, nearly causing his own appendages physical harm, and he felt her own climax approaching.

Harbinger let out a mighty **GROAN**, and the smaller Reaper joined him, chanting, **"****YES…YES…YES!****"** Suddenly she peaked, her frame shuddering in absolute pleasure. The wave of data washing over him overwhelmed his own runtimes, and he joined her in absolution. The intermingling of data caused her to once again shudder in a sympathetic climax, and immediately, Harbinger realized the danger. A feedback loop had formed, a never-ending cycle of blissful data, activating all of their senses.

Soon, their minds consumed by pleasure, random systems began activating and deactivating at will as the two Reapers tried to make sense of themselves. Before long, both of them had inadvertently activated their weapon systems, and the red beams of destruction began flashing out all around and through them, causing untold damage.

Harbinger's last thoughts, before he descended into a dream-filled solipsistic death, was that he was finally happy. After countless millennia, destroying countless civilizations and occasionally coming near to destruction himself, he was happy that he had finally found love, and had partaken of the pleasures of another's company.

He hadn't wanted to die a virgin.

And so the Reaper War ended 50,000 years before it ever began.

The end. For real this time.

* * *

Author's Notes: So how's that for '**We are beyond your comprehension?**' Now, Bioware's horrific ending aside, aren't you glad it was Shepard who actually made it to the Citadel? And even more upset that they killed off both Mordin and Kal'Reegar? Admittedly, the final scene was an omake I wrote for _The Green Eyed Spectre_, though I modified it a bit to make it even more cheesy and diabolical. It wasn't meant for this story, but since it actually fit in, I figured I'd just run with it.

It also made me realize that the first lemon I've ever written was between two dreadnaught-class killer tentacle starships. And I am actually somewhat disturbingly proud of that fact. Sigh.

Now, I know there are plenty more characters that I didn't include. I restrained myself, because this was already long, and 42 is just such a nice number. If you want to see more ideas, let me know! Several I wanted to fit in were Aria, Blasto, Bailey, Victus, Cortez, Wreav, Kalros, Harkin, the old Shadow Broker, Shiala, Niftu Cal, and Urz to name a few. So I'm tempted to write a sequel of sorts.


End file.
